Questions, answers, and the inability to feel

September 13, 2010 § 1 Comment

Why can’t you just leave me alone?

Why can’t I forget you?

Why does it still hurt?

How, after all this time, do I still want you?

Why can’t I just be enough for you?

What else do I have to do?

Why… don’t you love me?

I don’t exactly want answers to these questions, because, in all honesty, there are no answers.  There is no reasoning.  There is nothing but what is, and right now, that’s numbness.  I feel nothing.  Not sadness, nor anger, nor joy, nor exhaustion.  I just… am.  Sitting alone in my room with the monotonous music playing in the background, I am empty.  I have nothing left to give of myself, yet I am aware that you will, somehow, find more to take.  And this drains me even more.

I want so much for the absence of feeling so that I can no longer experience the pain you bring upon me, but I cannot live a life of nothing.  I need to feel alive through love.  I am a being of tenderness and compassion; these are my gifts.  You have stolen my desire to even want to try and by extension, taken the most precious of gifts from the world.  I am breaking more with each day, and I just want it to stop.  Someone… please, make it stop.


What do you really think of me

September 1, 2010 § 2 Comments

While in a friend’s room today, she made the comment that I wasn’t supposed to come back this year.  Although she was totally kidding, it still makes me wonder, and worry.  I am a pretty big presence at my school, and I am always concerned that people more so tolerate me than like me.  I guess because I had been such an outcast growing up, sometimes it’s hard to believe that people really do like me.  When she said this though, it really got me thinking.  What if people really do think this of me now?  Last semester I had decided to transfer to a school down south, and had set everything up, when at the last minute I changed my mind.  I didn’t want to leave the life I had established for myself here.  So now that I’m back, maybe people wish I hadn’t come back.

In addition to this incident, I have been wondering a lot about what people see me as.  Girls are very two-faced, as most of us know, and they will be your best friend, then talk about you behind your back.  This has happened a lot since I have returned to school last week, but with one of my friends, not myself.  She is my suitemate, and possibly the most annoying person at times.  She honestly is a sweetheart, and means well, but just can be too much to every person in her life.  After spending a week or two with her and a few other people, all of her friends are about ready to strangle her, myself included.  But because we live together, everyone wants to vent to me about her, which I get, but it makes me wonder; what do they say about me to other people when I’m not around.  I know I can be annoying, I mean I have two older brothers who made certain that I was aware of this growing up, but on top of that, I like to talk – a lot – and I sometimes take things too far.

Maybe they don’t say anything, or maybe they all hate me, but either way, I will never know.  It will always bother me.  And there is nothing I can do about it. Oh well.

On another note, I am pretty much in love, and going all but insane over them.  I wish I could shut off my brain and stop thinking about it, but sadly, brain is still churning.  It’s going to be a long night.

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