What do you really think of me

September 1, 2010 § 2 Comments

While in a friend’s room today, she made the comment that I wasn’t supposed to come back this year.  Although she was totally kidding, it still makes me wonder, and worry.  I am a pretty big presence at my school, and I am always concerned that people more so tolerate me than like me.  I guess because I had been such an outcast growing up, sometimes it’s hard to believe that people really do like me.  When she said this though, it really got me thinking.  What if people really do think this of me now?  Last semester I had decided to transfer to a school down south, and had set everything up, when at the last minute I changed my mind.  I didn’t want to leave the life I had established for myself here.  So now that I’m back, maybe people wish I hadn’t come back.

In addition to this incident, I have been wondering a lot about what people see me as.  Girls are very two-faced, as most of us know, and they will be your best friend, then talk about you behind your back.  This has happened a lot since I have returned to school last week, but with one of my friends, not myself.  She is my suitemate, and possibly the most annoying person at times.  She honestly is a sweetheart, and means well, but just can be too much to every person in her life.  After spending a week or two with her and a few other people, all of her friends are about ready to strangle her, myself included.  But because we live together, everyone wants to vent to me about her, which I get, but it makes me wonder; what do they say about me to other people when I’m not around.  I know I can be annoying, I mean I have two older brothers who made certain that I was aware of this growing up, but on top of that, I like to talk – a lot – and I sometimes take things too far.

Maybe they don’t say anything, or maybe they all hate me, but either way, I will never know.  It will always bother me.  And there is nothing I can do about it. Oh well.

On another note, I am pretty much in love, and going all but insane over them.  I wish I could shut off my brain and stop thinking about it, but sadly, brain is still churning.  It’s going to be a long night.

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§ 2 Responses to What do you really think of me

  • At the risk of sounding like somebody’s mother, (which I am) I think you are probably over-thinking it. I see my daughter, who is a senior in high school this year, doing this constantly. She worries so much about what everybody else thinks of her, while trying to still be her own person and express her individuality, that she gets herself worked up into full-blown anxiety attacks! I’m now taking her to therapy twice a week for her anxiety. When I look back at my own experiences at her age, I see that I was very concerned about these things as well, but I’ve always wished, now that I’m an adult, that I could go back and relive that part of my life, with the knowledge that what all those people thought of me back then didn’t matter in the least, really. After high school I moved away and never even saw those people again. (How much will you really interact with your college-mates after you finish school?) I wish I’d had the confidence to be more of myself, more confident, less afraid, and unaffected by all the “two-faced nonsense” exhibited by the girls around me. Now as an adult I’ve tried to do my best to treat the people around me the way I would have wanted to have been treated. When my co-workers start gossiping behind someone else’s back about how they act this way or that, I try to let them know that I agree that her actions can be annoying, or whatever, but then I try to look for motivations in her character for why she is acting that way, and point it out to them, so that they can maybe understand rather than hate on her. I try to point out something good about her rather than something bad. And I think this helps ease my mind about people talking about me behind my back. If they see me talking bad about someone behind someone else’s back, what’s to stop them from doing the same to me? But if I always try to steer the conversation in a more positive direction, then maybe they’ll think that I’ll do the same for them if others are talking about them in a similar situation, and they won’t worry about my loyalty to them. They’ll see me as more of a true friend than a “two-faced” person, not to be trusted. I know that’s the kind of person I’d like for a friend. And if instead they choose to talk bad about me anyway, then obviously I can find better friends. Sorry I’ve rambled on here, but I hope you get my point. 🙂

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