Questions, answers, and the inability to feel
September 13, 2010 § 1 Comment
Why can’t you just leave me alone?
Why can’t I forget you?
Why does it still hurt?
How, after all this time, do I still want you?
Why can’t I just be enough for you?
What else do I have to do?
Why… don’t you love me?
I don’t exactly want answers to these questions, because, in all honesty, there are no answers. There is no reasoning. There is nothing but what is, and right now, that’s numbness. I feel nothing. Not sadness, nor anger, nor joy, nor exhaustion. I just… am. Sitting alone in my room with the monotonous music playing in the background, I am empty. I have nothing left to give of myself, yet I am aware that you will, somehow, find more to take. And this drains me even more.
I want so much for the absence of feeling so that I can no longer experience the pain you bring upon me, but I cannot live a life of nothing. I need to feel alive through love. I am a being of tenderness and compassion; these are my gifts. You have stolen my desire to even want to try and by extension, taken the most precious of gifts from the world. I am breaking more with each day, and I just want it to stop. Someone… please, make it stop.