Questions, answers, and the inability to feel

September 13, 2010 § 1 Comment

Why can’t you just leave me alone?

Why can’t I forget you?

Why does it still hurt?

How, after all this time, do I still want you?

Why can’t I just be enough for you?

What else do I have to do?

Why… don’t you love me?

I don’t exactly want answers to these questions, because, in all honesty, there are no answers.  There is no reasoning.  There is nothing but what is, and right now, that’s numbness.  I feel nothing.  Not sadness, nor anger, nor joy, nor exhaustion.  I just… am.  Sitting alone in my room with the monotonous music playing in the background, I am empty.  I have nothing left to give of myself, yet I am aware that you will, somehow, find more to take.  And this drains me even more.

I want so much for the absence of feeling so that I can no longer experience the pain you bring upon me, but I cannot live a life of nothing.  I need to feel alive through love.  I am a being of tenderness and compassion; these are my gifts.  You have stolen my desire to even want to try and by extension, taken the most precious of gifts from the world.  I am breaking more with each day, and I just want it to stop.  Someone… please, make it stop.

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