Unexpected Message

August 12, 2010 § 1 Comment

Why do some men have to be so unbelievably creepy?  And why on Earth must they all find me?  Do I have some sort of loser rapist magnetic field in my system which pulls them to me?  It’s ridiculous.

Here I am, minding my own business, enjoying cramp-free-ness for the first time all day when I get a Facebook message.  My initial instinct is “Huzzah!  Somebody loves me!”  When I open it however it’s not one of my friends.  No, it’s my sixth grade homeroom teacher who made a pass on me in seventh grade when he took me into his room and “hugged me inappropriately” with the doors locked after school hours because he thought I was upset about something.  Yeah, that one.  This is his message:

I discovered an envelope today in which I found a school picture of you. On the back was written:

To my favorite middle school teacher!!
🙂 🙂

Anyway, it made me smile and think about you. I hope all is going well with you.
God bless.

Okay, a few things.  I was in sixth grade at the time I gave him that.  What the hell did I know?  Besides, it was just something you did.  You were supposed to give your teacher your picture and then they’re supposed to go and throw them all away at the end of the year (or later that day).  Also, WTF is a grown man doing holding onto my picture that long?!

This immediately made me put down my Frosted Cheerios which I was enjoying oh so much since I haven’t been up to eating all day.  Now I want to vomit… and shower again, even though I just took one an hour ago.

tick… tick… tick…

August 11, 2010 § Leave a comment

The problem with being a woman is that no matter how much you know you snould’nt have kids when you’re 21, still in college, not in a serious relationship, etc, when you hit a certain age your body starts to want one. So many or my friends have them and a when I’m around them I want them. When I go through a target and pass the baby stuff I turn to moosh.

My friends from school all think I’m crazy for wanting kids at “such a young age”. One friend actually told me you should consider even getting married until your thirty. THIRTY! My parents had my brothers and I when they were in their early twenties and were able to keep up with us as kids. Honestly I think that if more people had their kids young when they could run around with then still, there would be less children on add medication.

I want to have my kids before I hit thirty which worries me since I am still in school with no hope of having a boyfriend until after graduation. But I’ve still got hope. As long as my biological clock doesn’t tick out of control.

“I love the way you lie”?

August 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

So yesterday a friend sent me a link for Eminem’s newest music video, and I was so conflicted.  Part of me really loves this song and the video is really beautiful (in a twisted way), but then the other part of me is angry.  Because this is seriously mature context which is being shown to our children.  If you haven’t seen the video that is the link for it, but even more upsetting are the lyrics:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie

So now all of our daughters think that because Rihanna allows guys to treat her like total crap that it’s cool for them to as well.  Not to mention the fact that you shouldn’t just let someone treat you like this, but you should like it as well.

As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It’s like I’m huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.

Okay, so for those of you who aren’t very experienced with analyzing music/literature, I will tell you that this isn’t a good thing.  He is describing that the guy actually enjoys when he fights with his girlfriend.  Not to mention that he enjoys pain in general.  In reality, this would be the first inclination that you should probably peace out.  People who enjoy misery are not able to get themselves out of it, and typically need to be medicated and in more severe cases, institutionalized.

But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who’s that dude? I don’t even know his name
I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again
I guess I don’t know my own strength

I’ll take things abusive men say for 1000 Alex.  We won’t even get into the idea that he could potentially have split personality disorder, because when someone feels as if they change into a completely different person when they lose their temper, it’s usually a sign of something more serious.  But, hello?!  The biggest issue of all here is that if he hits you once, he will hit you again! For any woman reading this, please remember that.

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you’re with ’em
You meet and neither one of you even knows what hit ’em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them those chills you used to get ’em

Now you’re getting fucking sick of looking at ’em

Wtf?  I would say if the “warm fuzzies” have worn off and you are “sick of looking at them”, that would be the time to break up.  You know, before you do something stupid, like, maybe hit them?  Common sense is lost on Eminem.

You swore you’d never hit ’em; never do nothing to hurt ’em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push pull each other’s hair, scratch claw hit ’em
Throw ’em down pin ’em
So lost in the moments when you’re in them
It’s the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you’re best to go your separate ways

See, this is what happens when you don’t break up with someone who you don’t want to look at anymore.  This is where most people go wrong.  Instead of cutting their losses early when they first realize the problem, they push forward with it thinking that “relationships aren’t supposed to be easy”.  Yeah, but they’re also not supposed to be abusive!  If you loved someone once, you will always love them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with them forever.  If it’s not working out, break up.

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine

News flash, if you don’t mean something, don’t say it just to be hurtful.  And furthermore, I personally don’t believe this line at all.  I’ve said things to people in the heat of the moment that I wish I hadn’t, but that’s not because I didn’t mean it, but because some things shouldn’t be said out of respect for someone.  And you will continue to fall into the routine because it cannot be fixed.  Simple as that.  You will continue to fight and hurt each other because you ultimately don’t want to be with that person.

Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though

Um, I’m pretty sure that a volcano and a tornado would never come in contact with each other.  Which, you know, solidifies the point that if that’s a metaphor for each person in the relationship, then it could never work.  And more importantly.  If you loved her, you wouldn’t want to hurt her anymore.  Loving her too much to let her come back to you is true love because it’s selfless.  Loving her too much to let her walk away from your abusive ass is horribly selfish.

Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a guy who has to punch anything when he’s upset.  I want a nice house, and I don’t need holes all over my walls.  Just saying.

And my favorite line of the whole song….

If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire

He’s going to kill you if you try to leave again! At this point, if you stay with him, you kind of deserve to die for being that unbelievably stupid.

The sad thing is that I know entirely too many people who would or have gone through this before because they “love” someone.  I mean, I get it.  I’ve been in love.  I’ve stayed with someone far past the point that I should have left because I wanted to hope that things would get better.  But you have to have respect for yourself and have a breaking point.  What bothers me the most though is that there are girls out there who are going to look at this song as justification.  One of my own friends posts lyrics from this song all the time referring to her and her fiance.  That’s not okay.  Not saying that the song is bad, because like I said, I really think it’s beautiful, but that’s because I understand it on a non-literal level.  This isn’t the media we should be giving to our children to listen to.  These are not the role models they should have!

A bird… a plane… Superman!

August 9, 2010 § 3 Comments

Have you seen that commercial for Yellowpages, with all the “Good Guys” in capes?  I want that, but for people in general.  I’m in college, so I don’t really care about finding a plumber, or a mechanic, etc.  I just wish it were easier to tell the “Good Guys” from the “Bad Guys”.

People know how to hide themselves too well.  For example, a stalker doesn’t look like a stalker unless he is walking around with binoculars and a fanny pack.  Even then, he could just be a bird watcher.  A rapist doesn’t look like a rapist.  An alcoholic doesn’t always look like one.  All too often, these can all be prominent people in society – educated, well dressed, attractive.

Now if the good guys were all wearing bright yellow capes, flying around solving and preventing crime, life would be so much easier.  What if there were a Yellowpages for people’s true selves?  Like when you meet a guy he hands you his listing and you can read his strengths, flaws, reviews from previous girlfriends, true personalities traits, relationship requirements.  If people could be that up front about themselves, it would make things a great deal easier.  Though, I sometimes wonder what my page would read?  Would I be a “Good Guy” or a “Bad Guy”?

My Best Man

August 8, 2010 § 1 Comment

I often times complain that there are no good men left in the world and that every guy in my life is a complete and total ass.  As a matter-of-fact, my initial intention for this blog was to devote a year to finding a guy that was different from the rest.  Who reinstated my hope in the male population.  Not a boyfriend per se, but just one guy who was exactly what women want out of a man.  I was going to explain in each post the things we looked for in guys.  Blue eyes, blond hair, tall, tan; these things don’t matter.  It would have been the details of their character such as generosity, complexity, etc.  The problem with that concept was that when I started hashing out the details to prepare to write it, I realized that I already have that man in my life… my best friend Dave.

I’ve known Dave since fifth grade, and it’s the longest running friendship that I have.  I love him more than I could ever fully explain to anyone.  He has been the man in my life for so long, and I guess I sometimes just forget how truly blessed I am.

I once told someone that I have never had a guy take care of me when I was sad, or hurt, or sick.  I have complained that I have never had a guy do something truly amazing for me.  I have felt that I care for my friends more strongly than they have the capability of and that I have never had that compassion returned to me.  Dave has done all of these things.

The first time I got drunk was at senior week and I was on the balcony crying because I thought I had a crush on him and couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me.  My friends told him to leave me alone for a bit, but he refused, pushed them aside, scooped me up and held me while I cried in his arms.  He apologized profusely that he didn’t return the same feelings toward me, but he did love me very much.  He admitted that he wished more than anything that he could feel for me in the same way because he wanted nothing more than to make me happy.  Later that night when I was trying to sleep and my hand was cold, he held it the entire night, sleeping next to me to make sure I was going to be all right and to be there in order to help me if I were to get sick again.

In our second years at college, he studied abroad in Buenos Aires, and went through a horrible bout of depression.  He had a wonderful time there, but was dealing with a lot of internal issues; mostly feeling as if he would never find love and how much he wanted to.  We ended up talking almost weekly for the remainder of his time there, and we sort of expressed how much we loved each other.  When he came home to the states, he came over to see me.  I answered the door and he hugged me.  We walked to the couch and he hugged me again saying how much he missed me.  We ended up talking for hours, and when we got up for him to leave, he hugged me again.  He put his shoes on and hugged me again.  He went to walk out the door and hugged me again.  Then as he was walking to his car, he stopped, paused like he forgot something, and turned around.  He walked right up to me and said “I forgot something”, hugged me again and said he loved me.  It was honestly the most amazing thing a guy has ever done for me.

He went to Scotland last year, and when he came home, he said he bought me something.  Now, I have had a few people outside of my family bring me things back from trips, but they’re always small, and it’s usually something they tell you about before hand (“Oh hey do you want me to bring you something back?”).  He came down the stairs with a teddy bear dressed like a Scottish man – bag pipes and all – and gave him to me.  His sister told me he had been so excited about my gift that it’s all he talked about the whole time they were there.

I share all of this, because I want women to know that there is hope.  There are some wonderful men in this world, and when you find them, hang on to them.  They are few and far between, but they are unexplainable.  And, hopefully some men can read this and see how a real man treats a woman.  You don’t have to intimate with someone you love.  You can be everything to them just by being their friend.  The littlest things mean the world to women.  We don’t need houses and cars and sex and everything else.  We just need to be treated like we matter.

Since I have realized all of this, I have not complained once about not having a decent man.  Because I have something better.  I have my Davey.  We’re more than friends but less than lovers.  What does this make us?  I have no idea, but I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.

Cry. Scream. Laugh. Hate. Love.

August 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

Why is it that people are scared of sad?  It’s such a taboo in our society and if you are sad, people don’t know what to do.  Or they think you’re weird, or there is something wrong with you.  It’s as if happy is all we’re supposed to feel.  Why?  God gave us feelings because we’re supposed to use them.

I know that sometimes sad can feel like it can kill us, and I guess it makes sense to fear something that could cause you harm, but in reality, it can’t.  Being sad cannot kill you!  Feeling alone will not beat you up!  It’s an intangible, and intangible things cannot cause you physical pain.  Emotional, yes.  But you’ll never get a black eye from depression.

See, I’ve been clinically depressed.  I’ve been to my own personal hell and back, and this is what I have to say about it after the fact.  Life is about experiencing every damn thing you can, so why not feel with every emotion you were given?  Being angry and having hatred can sometimes be a good thing.  When people tell me they are upset, I tell them to cry.  Crying is therapeutic!  You feel so unbelievably better afterward, and it’s part of life.  When someone is going through a tough time, I tell them that their situation sucks.  Partly, because they need validation, but also, because sometimes things really do suck and you need to feel that way.  As horrible as feeling sad or depressed can feel at times, I love it.  Not only do you feel better when you give into a feeling that you are feeling, but it makes you appreciate happiness so much more.

So for those dealing with depression, I say, if it’s justified, then go ahead and feel depressed.  Go ahead and cry, scream, punch a pillow.  And when you have a moment of happiness, suck every bit of happy out of it.  Laugh when you get the urge to laugh, and laugh hard.  Sing when you want to sing.  Dance when you want to dance.  Appreciate the fact that you have the ability to feel sadness and loneliness.  Bask in the glory of your feelings.  They’re amazing.

That’s the wonder of feelings.  They have the ability to make you feel alive no matter what your mood is.  We feel because we should feel.  Don’t be afraid to be alone.  Don’t be afraid to cry.  And for those, like myself, who have come back from hell, help those struggling as much as you are capable.  I know when I was depressed I wanted nothing more than someone to just talk to.  Someone to make me laugh about things that were completely unrelated to life.  You have the power to help someone else just by being a ray of sunshine!  And you’ll be surprised, you could just save a life.

…And I’m an addict.

August 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

Is it possible to be addicted to something as simple as food? I guess like any other substance, you crave it, it can come to destroy your life, when you do get you “fix” you feel like a void has been filled, and when the high wears off you’re left with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and hatred toward yourself.

Yeah, I know that to some people this seems like a stretch of the imagination. Seems like I am just looking for someone or something to blame. I promise you, I’m not. I take full responsibility for my weight but I can’t help but feel like an addict when it comes to food. Tonight for example my mother ordered pizza for us after her surgery. After I ate I was completely content until this voice in my head started nagging at my gut to eat more. My brain was suddenly justifying it. “Well you only ate once today and its going to be late when you go to bed”. I did give in too which makes me more upset than anything.

Since I was a kid I’ve struggled with this addiction in a sense. I wait until I’m alone and I sneak it. Or I plot out how I’m going to get my next “fix” of food. It shouldn’t be this way. And I realize that I am making myself sound more like a pathetic fat kid by the minute.

But can you imagine how hard it is to be addicted to something that is a basic necessity for life? How would an alcoholic ever get sober if they were told to just moderate their consumption.? Or a drug addict for that matter? “No drugs/alcohol for you but just once a day you have to take this pill/shot”. Messed up huh?

I am telling myself now that tomorrow is a new day. And I will be starting fresh in the morning. That is if I can ward off the guilt long enough to sleep tonight.